What If
by EmLuvsCastle
Summary: A story told through the eyes of Kate Beckett: This starts from what happened after 47 Seconds and The Limey. What if it's too late to save what Castle and Beckett have?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone, this is my second fiction, it has nothing to do with my other story: Three Little Words which is still in progress. After I saw 47 Seconds and The Limey I started to write this story. I hope you all enjoy it and please review it. And **

**Emma **

Kate Beckett had barely seen or heard from Rick Castle all week. He wasn't even returning Kate's calls; all Kate got was one text saying he was busy. When Kate walked into the precinct after her lunch break she was hoping to find Castle sitting there on the chair next to Kate's desk impatiently fiddling with the elephant models on the desk while he was waiting for Kate to return. When she stepped out of the elevator her heart sank, there was no sign of Castle.

Kate had to admit things had recently been weird with Castle; it was almost as if he was pulling away. Awkwardly avoiding Kate would be another way to put it. All of this left Kate confused she had absolutely no idea why this was suddenly happening. Kate sat back down at her desk and on the big stack of paperwork that was constantly growing on her desk. Ryan and Esposito realised that she was missing Castle. Ryan came and sat on Castle's chair: "I know you are missing him." He started.

"Missing who?" Kate asked, not even looking up from what she was writing.

"I know you are missing Castle."

"No I'm not what makes you say that?" Kate asked looking at Ryan.

"Well, ever since Castle hasn't been around you have been kind of moody and you keep looking at the elevator every time it opens."

Kate didn't realise she had even been doing that. "And that makes you think I miss him?"

"Well, yeah. Have you heard anything from him?" Ryan asked.

"Heard anything from who?" Esposito asked, joining in the conversation.

"Castle."

"I've only had one text from him, has he been in contact with either of you?" Kate asked suspiciously.

"Nope, not a word, it's weird." Esposito answered.

"What about you Ryan?"

"Nothing,"

"Well maybe he has been with that chick." Esposito said.

"What chick?" Kate asked trying to keep her cool.

"I saw her getting into Castle's Ferrari after he left here, that was the last time we saw him." Ryan replied.

"Oh, I see." Kate said.

"He might not be sleeping with her you know." Esposito butted in.

"Well I don't care who he sleeps with, he can sleep with anyone he wants. The more the merrier." Kate said.

"Is everything okay between you?" Ryan asked cautiously.

"Oh I don't know. Why don't you ask Castle when he gets back, don't you two have some paperwork to do?" Kate spat.

After that comment Ryan and Esposito slunk back to their desks and got on with their paperwork, quietly talking. Kate continued to do the paperwork for the rest of the day, there had been no murders. At half past four Kate had finished all her paperwork so she decided to visit her good friend Lanie. As Kate was driving to Lanie's all she could think of was what could Castle be doing right now? Who was that girl that Esposito saw getting into Castle's Ferrari? Why wasn't he returning her calls? What if he wasn't coming back to the precinct? All these unanswered questions made Kate feel uneasy and she had the horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach about all of this.

When Lanie answered the door she gave Kate a big hug. "Jeez girl, you look like crap!"

"Oh it's nice to see you too Lanie."

"I'm sorry, but you seriously don't look good. What's wrong?"

"Castle…"

"Oh god, just hang on I'll get some wine and then we can talk." Lanie said getting up.

"Okay, sounds great." Kate absently replied.

Not long after Lanie arrived back carrying two big glasses full of red wine, she handed one to Kate. "So I take it you haven't told him how you feel yet?"

"I haven't, Lanie, he hasn't been to the precinct all week and he hasn't been returning my calls."

"Oh Kate, honey, are you sure something hasn't happened between you two?"

"Nothing I can think of. After that bombing we investigated he has been acting weird, it's like he is there in person, but mentally he is somewhere else. I don't know why he is suddenly just pulling away then not even talking to me. Lanie, what if I really have waited too long, what if I have blown all my chances with him?"

"I don't know Kate, I'm sorry."

"And I thought he meant it." Kate said sadly.

"Meant what? Katherine Beckett is there something you're not telling me?"

"He said he loved me…"

"Wha- when?"  
"When I was shot, I pretended that I never heard him. I lied to everyone and said everything went black after I fell from the podium."

"Why?"

"I was just shot! That was the last thing I needed, I wasn't ready then."

"Wow, I'm not going to lie Kate, this really is a big mess."

"Yeah, I know it is. I was going to tell him but now since he isn't even talking to me I can't. Besides he has started sleeping with all these bimbos again. He had four dates in three days even."

"That's not good, but ask yourself why do you think he is doing this?"

"I don't know. But what I do know is he is back to his old ways with woman, just how he was when I met him. I don't get it. Unless…"

"Unless what? You are kind of leaving me hanging here!" Lanie said.

"Oh my god Lanie!" Kate cried, her eyes becoming wide.

"Kate, what are you talking about?"

"When I was interviewing a suspect about the bombing I said I was shot and remembered every second of it. I think Castle heard. Oh crap…" Kate buried her head in the cushions sitting on the couch. "What do I do?"

"Well for starters I think you should go to Castle's house now and explain!"

"Now? But…"

"Yes, now and no buts Kate. You want this fixed don't you?"

"Of course, I just need to think what to say."

"Well you can think of that on the way." Lanie said pulling Kate off the couch.

"Lanie, he thinks I don't love him, how do I explain I do and just needed time?"

"You are going to have to think of that on your own. But I can tell you one thing, every minute you let go by that's another wasted chance to tell him and him thinking you really don't love him."

"Okay, thanks Lanie."

"Girl, go! Text me how it goes!"

Kate took a big deep breath and walked to her car. She told people their loved one had died practically every day, she survived being shot, and so why was it so hard just to tell Castle? She could so this, now or never and the worst he could do or say-

Kate told herself to stop thinking like that as she drove to Castle's apartment. She had tell him, she owed it to him. Even if he never wanted to see her again after this at least he would know the truth, and Kate would know it he heard and why he had been acting so weird.

Kate parked her car and headed up to Castle's apartment in the elevator. She noticed her hands were slightly shaking and her palms were becoming sweaty, he shoved her hands in her pockets so she wouldn't have to worry about them. The inside of her mouth was becoming bone dry, Kate took a deep breath as she stepped out of the elevator and walked towards Castle's door. You can do this. Kate told herself, she paused then knocked on the door. Her hands were still shaking so she kept them in her pockets. Alexis opened the door: "Detective Beckett, hi."

"Hi Alexis," Kate smiled, "Is Castle around?"

"No, he's not. Hasn't he called you?"

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I'll try to update soon please do review and let me know what you think of it so far.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everyone! Thanks for reading, reviewing and putting alerts on my story. It makes my day and I write this for you guys! I am so sorry that I take a while to update. Wasn't Castle great? I can't wait for next week!**

**Emma **

Kate stood there on the Castle's door step shell shocked, "No I haven't heard anything from him, is everything okay Alexis?"

"That's weird, dad is in Vegas. He is having what he explained to me and Grams a holiday, but I know it's just an excuse to sleep with different girls. It's been weird with him lately. It's like he has lost his spark."

"That is weird, when is he back?"

"His plane is meant to get in tonight, but I haven't heard anything. I am really worried Detective Beckett. Is everything okay between you two?"

"Yeah, it's fine." Kate said, even she knew she was lying, she was meant to be good at keep a poker face. "Listen, Alexis I have to go. Can you get your dad to call me when he is back?"

"Sure." Alexis replied, slightly confused.

"Bye." Kate said as she swiftly turned on her heel and walked down the corridor and into the elevator. She wasn't going to cry, not here in the elevator at Castle's apartment block.

When she got into her car that is when the tears started flowing, Kate rested her head against the back of her seat and squeezed her eyes shut. Just wanting to forget everything and slip away into her own perfect world. What if he never comes back? Have I blown my only chance? Will I ever get to be with him? These questions were racing through Kate's mind. She would never be able to forgive herself if Castle never spoke to her again.

Kate sat in the car park for five more minutes, trying to compose herself. She wiped her tears away with her sleeve, started up the car engine and began to drive slowly back to her apartment. Along the way she was on the lookout for Castle's red Ferrari. She never saw it. Kate pulled into her apartment block, her whole body felt numb, she felt nothing. She automatically stepped out of the car, locked it and walked up to her apartment.

She unlocked her front door; she automatically walked over to her kitchen to start preparing her dinner. She opened her cupboard then the fridge, Kate decided she didn't feel like eating. She didn't feel tired, either. In fact she didn't feel like doing anything, she walked over to the book shelf and pulled out all her Richard Castle books, took them over to the couch and put them down next to her. She grabbed Naked Heat and fingered the cover, tracing the letters. A tear slipped from her check and hit the book. Kate didn't even realise she was crying.

She just sat there on the couch hugging Naked Heat, crying. This might be the closet to Castle she could get for a while. Kate stayed up like that all night, she couldn't sleep, she tried to go to bed but her body wouldn't function properly. Kate was shaken out of her thoughts when her phone rang; she made a grab at it. Hoping the caller ID would show Castle, it wasn't. It was dispatch saying there was a murder. After Kate scribbled down the address she automatically dialled Castle's number to tell him. Once again there was no answer, Kate had given up hope. She checked the time; it was seven in the morning. She had been up all night.

Kate dragged herself off the couch and started her morning routines. She didn't even both to do her hair, she just threw it back into a pony tail. She didn't feel hungry, but she knew she had to eat to keep up her strength so she grabbed a bagel on the way to the crime scene.

….

Kate had been busy all morning with this case and she was glad. She needed something to take her mind off what was going on between her and Castle. When Kate arrived back from her lunch break she thought she was hallucinating, she thought she heard Castle's voice, then his laugh. When she walked over to her desk Kate's face lit up like a child on Christmas morning, there was Castle sitting next to her desk talking to Ryan and Esposito. Just like old times and he seemed happy enough too.

Ryan and Esposito saw Kate and went back to their work. "Castle hey!" Kate said giving one of her rare tooth and gum grins.

Castle swivelled round, "Beckett, hi. How is my favourite Detective?" Castle asked, handing Kate over a take away coffee.

Kate smiled and blushed a little. "Thanks," She said taking a sip of the hot beverage. "Yeah, I have been pretty good. How have you been? It was like you disappeared from the face of the earth!"

"Yeah, sorry that I didn't call, I just got a little preoccupied and then lost my phone. Alexis said you called round. Now what is happening with this case? The boys were just bringing me up to speed with it."

Kate began to explain; she couldn't help but think this was just like old times. Maybe he had forgiven her. Kate noticed the Castle was texting on his phone and smiling at the replies he got. "Castle!" She said getting his attention back.

"Sorry," He said, slipping his phone back into his pocket.

"Anyway, I was thinking after this maybe we could grab an ice cream then have a catch up. There is something I need to tell you." Kate finished.

"Sure, that sounds good." Castle replied, smiling. "So I see you have all managed to cope well without me."

"Yes we have coped, perfectly fine thank you very much."

"So you didn't even miss me?"

"It's like you really need to know that Castle, I think your ego is big enough already." Kate teased.

"Oh how you wound me Detective!" Castle played along.

"You know what? It is really great to see you Castle." Kate said smiling. This was just like the old Castle and her.

"I knew you missed me."

"I never said that!"

"But that is what you inferred." Castle replied.

Just as Kate was about to reply a blonde girl stepped out of the elevator, she immediately saw Castle, waved and tottered towards him in her big stilettos. When she reached Castle he gave her a peck on the lips. Kate felt like her heart was being torn apart. "What are you doing here?" Castle asked.

"Well I was missing you baby." The blonde replied.

Kate turned her back to them and pretended to be working on the murder board when she was actually listening in to their conversation.

Castle then whispered something to the blonde that Kate couldn't hear. "Well Beckett, I have to go. What were you going to tell me?"

"It's not important Castle, you go."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, tomorrow?" Kate asked.

But Castle never replied he had his arm draped around the blonde's shoulders as they walked towards the elevator. So this is how it would be…

Kate stood there by the murder board, still trying to process what she had just seen. Kate tried to look calm and collected and get back on with solving the murder. But on the inside, she was hurting and felt like her heart was slowly and painfully, bit by bit being ripped apart.

**Hope everyone liked this! I know it is sad now, but it will get better! Please do review, I will try to update again soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi, thanks for all the reviews! Wasn't Always amazing? I can't wait for September now! Enjoy this chapter. Reviews are appreciated.**

**Emma **

It had been a long week for Kate and the bags under her eyes said it all; Castle would occasionally turn up for a few hours then disappear. Today was Kate's scheduled appointment with Dr Burke. Kate took a deep breath before she entered his office; there Dr Burke was sitting in his chair going over the notes he made from previous sessions with Kate.

"Kate come in." He said, sensing Kate's presence in the room, "Now, tell me how have you been?"

"I don't know where to start!" Kate exclaimed as she slumped into the chair.

"Well, have you been getting any sleep? You look very tired." Dr Burke remarked.

"Hardly any sleep…" Kate began.

"This isn't to do with Castle is it?" Dr Burke guessed.

"Yes, so he just leaves and goes to Vegas without telling me or returning my calls. So I went to his apartment to see if he was okay and I heard that he was away from Alexis. Now he is back and only floats in and out of the precinct. When he first came back he seemed like his old self, until this bimbo turned up and they left together."

"How does it make you feel?"

"Upset, angry, annoyed, jealous. He said he loved me, but he has a very interesting way of showing it."

"Kate, you pretended not to hear him say that he loved you." Dr Burke began before Kate cut him off.

"I know that, it was the last thing that I needed. Especially with Josh still on the scene back then… A few months after the shooting I met with Castle and explained that I felt like a wall had built up inside of me and that I wouldn't be able to have the relationship I ever wanted until I solved my mum's case."

"I see."

"But I think Castle found out I heard him say I love you…"

"Why do you think that?" Dr Burke prompted.

"When we were investigating a bombing a suspect claimed not to remember something and I said I was shot and remembered every second of it. I think Castle was listening, because things haven't been the same since."

"He is probably hurt and is sleeping with other woman to make himself feel better."

"What if he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore?"

Dr Burke just shrugged and looked at Kate. "You think I should have told him, don't you?" Kate asked.

"Well, since you think he already knows I think you need to fess up. It will just get worse if you don't."

"What if… What if I have waited too long?"

"Well we will never know unless you talk to him. And how is that wall that has built up inside you?"

"It's still there…"

"Well you might have to make a choice Kate, Castle or solving your mum's murder."

"I don't know, they are both important, what do you think?"

"Only you can make that choice Kate." Dr Burke said. "And I am sure you will pick what is best for you."

Kate mumbled a goodbye as she left his office. She went in there her head a mess, and now she felt even more of a wreck and on top of everything mother's day was the next day…

…

Kate woke up to the sound of her phone ringing. There was a murder. Gates was going to give Kate the day off today, but Kate requested that she worked. She wanted to keep busy; mother's day was always a hard day for Kate. Later that day she would go and visit her mum's grave.

It had been a tedious morning, the case had already been closed and now Kate was just left to do paperwork. Kate got the shock of her life when Castle stepped off the elevator holding a cup of coffee for Kate. "Hey." Castle said handing Kate her coffee.

"Hey Castle, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with your mother?"

"I was this morning, she and Alexis are at a spa and I thought I would pop in and see how you were getting on."

"Well that's sweet of you, we just opened and closed a case and now it's just paperwork."

"Wow, that's quick! Tell me about the case."

So Kate filled Castle in about the case and then the two talked as they did paper work. Kate knew Castle was there making sure she was okay because it was mother's day.

"Well I should be heading off." Kate said grabbing her stuff.

"Any plans for tonight?" Castle asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to visit my mum's grave. You?"

"Making a nice dinner for mother and Alexis, say hello to your mother from me."

"Thanks, I'll be sure to tell her." Kate said smiling, the first time she had properly smiled all day. "You enjoy your dinner."

"Thanks, have a good night Kate." Castle said, walking towards the elevator.

Kate smiled he had just called her Kate! Kate then left and drove to the cemetery.

She found her mum's grave and laid down the flowers she had just brought. Kate knelt down and set next to the tombstone and had a silent conversation in her head with her mum. Kate didn't even realise she was beginning to cry. "I miss you mum, I miss you every day." Kate said out loud.

Kate was so engrossed thinking about her mum she never heard or saw the figure walking towards her. It was Castle, carrying a bouquet of beautiful flowers. Kate looked up; her cheeks stained with tears and saw Castle standing above her. "Castle!" She said startled, hastily wiping away the tears from her checks.

"It's okay, you don't have to pretend you aren't crying Kate." Castle said sitting down next to Kate. "Here I bought these for your mum."

"Thanks," Kate smiled, "I thought you were making dinner?"

"Yeah, it's still early and I thought I'd come here. You shouldn't have to be alone today." Castle said reaching out and squeezing Kate's hand.

Kate smiled and squeezed his hand back. "Thanks, I come here a lot you know. It's good to clear your head. And something happens every day that I tell mum about."

"Has anything happened today?"

"No, not yet."

Kate had just realised they were still holding hands. Just this simple thing made Kate begin to cry again. "I'm sorry Castle, you must think I'm really…" Kate trailed off.

"Hey, don't say that. You are the strongest person I know, I admire you so much. You are extraordinary. And everyone needs to cry." Castle finished draping his arm around Kate's shoulders. "And I know it is good to have someone to lean on when you have a cry. I am well experienced from mother and Alexis. So go on Kate, let it all out. I won't judge you."

Kate rested her head on Castle's shoulder and let it all out. Castle just sat there rubbing Kate's back.

"Thank you Rick, I am really glad I don't have to go through this alone." Kate said.

"Always." Castle said as he pulled Kate into a hug…

**Hope you all enjoyed this! I'll try to update soon.**


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